A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
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Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Heroic Misunderstanding
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.