I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
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To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it