Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
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Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
it must be school picture day
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Me when my alarm goes off
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
My biological clock is wheezing.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable