my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
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Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
#merica
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*