Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
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Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Made something I’m not proud of
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?