Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
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Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos