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Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
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I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
me as a parent
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.