Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
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[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I love you…
…r dog.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
True