So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
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Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.