“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”