After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
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8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
still the best tweet of the year by far
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
A double negative is a big no-no.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.