All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Nice try, NASA
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.