[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
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me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
the greatest twitter interaction
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.