I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
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“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house