Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Me: Iβd like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctorβs office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctorβs office: What is childβs date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Me: Weβre only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
How come itβs called an βengagement ringβ and not kneel diamond?
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! Iβm great at dating
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
*reads recipe and sees βraisinsβ
Well, thatβs not going to happen.
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and Iβm pretty stoked he wasnβt the first kid to start eating the grass