Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
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*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Bike for sale
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]