My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.