*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
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[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.