We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
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My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Candles never taste the way they smell
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!