I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
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sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Botany good plants lately?
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Bill is short for Billiam
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!