What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
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Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you