Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
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Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and