I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
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I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket