My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I’ve been learning to cook.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.