Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.