We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
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As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT