If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
new shirt idea
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.