My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
You Might Also Like
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed