Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
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‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.