If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
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The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…