[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
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—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.