I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
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*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.