Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
If Mr Krabs owned a bar