ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
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grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
March 16
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.