[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
You Might Also Like
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I have never related to a cat more
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man