He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
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Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
no regrets
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?