[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
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A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink