If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
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Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks