[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
You Might Also Like
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
Möther may I have a snäck
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night