It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
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Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
#Caturday
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
concern
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.