If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
turning my gender off to conserve energy
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.