these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
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Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*