[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
You Might Also Like
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying