Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
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Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes