*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
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Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??