[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
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If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.