the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
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When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies