I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
You Might Also Like
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
My god she’s good.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
This took me a second..
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep