The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ