Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
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her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room